"DO YOU BELIEVE?"

DO YOU BELIEVE IN GOD? DO YOU BELIEVE THAT GOD SENT HIS SON JESUS CHRIST TO DIE ON THE CROSS FOR US? DO YOU BELIEVE IN THE HOLY SPIRIT? DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES? DO YOU BELIEVE THAT GOD CAN DO ANYTHING IF YOU JUST LET HIM?

I DO AND I HAVE FOR A LONG TIME I JUST DID NOT LET HIM DO WHAT I KNEW ONLY HE COULD DO UNTIL THIS WEEKEND AND I KNOW I AM FOREVER CHANGED. I KNOW HE HAS TAKEN AWAY ALL OF MY HURT, PAIN, ANXIETY, FEAR, STRESS AND EVERYTHING THAT I HAVE HELD IN FOR SO LONG THAT HAS KEPT ME FROM BEING THE WOMAN HE MADE ME TO BE. I AM SURE YOU ALL THINK THAT YOU KNOW ME AND THAT I AM THIS STRONG PERSON THAT LOOKS LIKE I HAVE IT ALL TOGETHER AND THIS WONDERFUL LIFE. WELL, I DID ON THE OUTSIDE,BUT ON THE INSIDE I HAVE HAD SO MUCH HURT, PAIN, ANXIETY, FEAR AND STRESS THAT I HAVE HELD IN ALL OF MY LIFE. WHEN I SAY ALL OF MY LIFE I MEAN AS FAR BACK AS I CAN REMEMBER. MOST OF YOU KNOW THAT I HAD A BROTHER THAT WAS KILLED IN A CAR WRECK WHEN HE WAS ONLY 5 YEARS OLD. HE DIED OCTOBER 2CD, 1983 AND WOULD HAVE BEEN 6 ON DECEMBER 15. I WAS 3 YEARS OLD AND TURNED 4 ON NOVEMBER 22CD. I DO NOT REMEMBER MUCH ABOUT MY BROTHER, JEREMY, BUT I DO REMEMBER SOME THINGS FROM THE DAY OF THE WRECK AND SOME THINGS FROM THE HOSPITAL. FROM WHAT I HAVE HEARD FROM MY MOM JEREMY AND I WERE VERY CLOSE. HAVING THE BOYS AND REALIZING JUST HOW MUCH THEY UNDERSTAND AND REMEMBER NOW AT THE SAME AGE I WAS HELPS ME UNDERSTAND MORE THE EFFECT THIS HAD ON ME. I HAVE DEALT WITH THIS PAIN AND KEPT IT LOCKED INSIDE OF ME ALL OF MY LIFE. I WAS A VERY SHY GIRL AND DID NOT LIKE ANYONE TO LOOK AT ME MUCH LESS TALK TO ME. I HAD FRIENDS, BUT WAS NEVER CLOSE TO ANYONE. I WOULD NOT ALLOW MYSELF TO BECOME CLOSE TO ANYONE. MY MOTHER WAS MY BEST FRIEND AND I WOULD NOT DO ANYTHING WITHOUT HER BY MY SIDE. SHE WAS MY ROCK AND STILL IS. IF YOU HAVE KIDS YOU CAN ONLY IMAGINE WHAT IT IS LIKE TO LOOSE A CHILD. SO LOOSING THEIR FIRST BORN SON CHANGED MY PARENTS LIFE AS WELL. MY FATHER WENT THROUGH TOUGH TIMES AND POURED HIS LIFE INTO HIS WORK, ALCOHOL, AND DRUGS. MY MOTHER POURED HER LIFE INTO ME, MY YOUNGER BROTHER, AND SCHOOL. SHE STARTED COLLEGE TO BECOME A NURSE AND SO THAT IS WHAT SHE DID AT NIGHTS WHEN WE WERE IN BED AND DAD WAS OUT AT THE BARS. I REALLY NEVER THOUGHT HE WAS ANY DIFFERENT THAN ANY OF THE OTHER DADS AND LOVED HIM BECAUSE HE WAS MY FATHER. AS I GOT OLDER AND UNDERSTOOD MORE AND SAW THE PAIN MY MOTHER WAS GOING THROUGH I BEGAN TO HURT FOR HER. SHE WAS ALWAYS PRAYING AND READING HER BIBLE AND SHE AND I WENT TO CHURCH A LOT TOGETHER. BEFORE MY BROTHER DIED WE WENT TO SMALL CHURCH AS A FAMILY AND A LITTLE WHILE AFTER HE DIED, BUT WHEN MY PARENTS BEGAN TO HAVE THEIR PROBLEMS WE DID NOT GO. I WOULD GO TO PLEASANT RIDGE SOME TIMES AT NIGHT WITH MY FRIENDS IN MIDDLE SCHOOL AND ONE NIGHT I WAS SAVED. I GAVE MY HEART TO THE LORD AND WAS BAPTIZED A FEW WEEKS LATER. I BELIEVE WITH ALL MY HEART THAT I WAS SAVED,BUT OF COURSE BEING A TEENAGER YOU FALL INTO SATAN'S TRAPS AND DO ALL THOSE BAD THINGS. ONE THING I ALWAYS DID WAS PRAY. I STILL HAD ALL THESE EMOTIONS AND PAIN THAT I HELD IN FROM THE REST OF THE WORLD THAT I WOULD USE ALCHOL TO HIDE FROM, BUT I WOULD STILL TALK TO GOD AND PRAY THAT HE WOULD HELP ME THROUGH THIS. MY PARENTS WERE STILL GOING THROUGH THEIR MOTIONS AND JUST PRETTY MUCH WAITING ON JEFF AND I TO GET MARRIED AND MOVE OUT AND THEN MOM WAS DETERMINED TO LEAVE DAD. I REMEMBER ONE NIGHT THEY WERE HAVING ONE OF THEIR FIGHTS AND LAYING IN BED AND JUST CRYING OUT TO GOD TO JUST PLEASE SAVE MY DADDY, CHANGE HIS LIFE, AND JUST LET US GO TO CHURCH LIKE A NORMAL FAMILY. THAT IS ALL I WANTED. JUST A NORMAL FAMILY THAT WENT TO CHURCH TOGETHER. AT THE TIME I WAS DATING MY HIGH SCHOOL SWEAT HEART THAT I DATED FOR 8 YEARS THAT KNEW ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT ME BECAUSE I HELD IN ALL OF MY EMOTIONS AND DID NOT LET HIM IN. AS I GOT OLDER AND AFTER WE BROKE UP FOR ABOUT THE 20TH TIME I KNEW IN MY HEART THAT HE WAS NOT THE MAN FOR ME. I BEGAN TO PRAY THAT GOD WOULD LEAD ME TO THE RIGHT MAN AND HE DID THE DAY AFTER MY 21ST BIRTHDAY. I MET RJ OUT WHILE HE WAS HOME FROM NEW YORK FOR THANKSGIVING. MY BEST FRIEND AND I PLANNED A NEW YEARS EVE TRIP TO VISIT HIM IN NEW YORK AND IT WAS THAT TRIP THAT I REALIZED THIS WAS THE MAN GOD MADE FOR ME. WE STARTED DATING AND SOON AFTER HE MOVED BACK TO BIRMINGHAM, BUT AS SOON AS WE BEGAN TO GET CLOSE, I RAN. I BROKE UP WITH HIM AND DID NOT TALK TO HIM FOR MONTHS. ALL OF THAT PAIN, FEAR, AND ANXIETY I HAD IN ME WOULD NOT LET ME GET TO CLOSE HIM. I BEGAN TO PRAY, CAN YOU TELL I PRAY ? I PRAY A LOT, I BELIEVE IN THE POWER OF PRAYER, AND I AM PRETTY SURE I TALK TO GOD MORE THAN I DO ANYBODY. ANYWAYS, I PRAYED THAT IF RJ WAS THE MAN FOR ME I WOULD LET MY WALLS DOWN AND LET HIM INTO MY LIFE. A FEW MONTHS LATER I CALLED HIM UP BECAUSE I HAD GOTTEN INTO SOME TROUBLE AND NEEDED TO HEAR HIS VOICE. HE IMMEDIATELY SAID, COME OVER AND THE REST WAS HISTORY. EVEN THOUGH WE WERE MARRIED I STILL HAD THOSE WALLS ,BUT I DID OPEN UP TO HIM MORE THAN I HAVE ANYONE AND HE TORE MY WALLS DOWN ONE BY ONE. I STILL HAD THAT PAIN, HURT, AND ANXIETY IN MY HEART AND KNEW I WANTED TO LET IT ALL GO,BUT COULD NOT. RJ AND I WERE MARRIED ON JANUARY 8TH, 2005. WE WERE HAPPY AND OUR HOUSE WAS THE PARTY HOUSE. WE WERE NOT IN CHURCH AND THAT WAS ONE THING I TOLD HIM I WANTED BEFORE WE GOT MARRIED. I STARTED PRAYING THAT GOD WOULD DO WHATEVER IT TOOK TO CHANGE OUR LIVES AND GET US OUT OF THE BARS EVERY WEEKEND AND INTO CHURCH. ONE MONTH BEFORE OUR ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY I FOUND OUT I WAS PREGNANT! GOD IS GOOD, WE FOUND OUT IT WAS TWINS! IF YOU DO NOT KNOW THIS I HAVE ALWAYS SAID, I WAS GOING TO HAVE TWIN BOYS. EVERY SINCE I WAS A LITTLE GIRL, I SAID THAT! AS YOU ALL KNOW WE WERE BLESSED WITH TWIN BOYS ON JULY 14TH, 2006. MY LIFE WAS CHANGE FOREVER! THERE ARE NO WORDS TO DESCRIBE THE FEELING OF BECOMING A MOMMY FOR THE FIRST TIME. I KNEW THE WEEK BEFORE THEY WERE BORN SOMETHING WAS NOT RIGHT AND WHEN WE WENT IN FOR A REGULAR VISIT WE FOUND OUT AUSTIN WAS STRESSING OUT AND THE BOYS WERE BORN ONLY ABOUT AN HOUR LATER. AIDEN WAS BORN FIRST AT 4 LBS 7 OZS AND CAME OUT CRYING. ONE MINUTE LATER AUSTIN WAS BORN AND WHEN HE CAME OUT AND I DID NOT HEAR HIM CRY. I KNEW THEN SOMETHING WAS WRONG. I JUST STARTED PRAYING OVER AND OVER, "DEAR GOD, PLEASE DON'T TAKE MY BABY, PLEASE DONT TAKE MY BABY." I KNOW THAT HE IS GOD'S BABY AND ALWAYS WILL BE, BUT GOD DID NOT TAKE HIS BABY HOME THAT DAY. AUSTIN BEGAN TO FIGHT FOR HIS LIFE AND ALTHOUGH IT WAS AN EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER AND WE DID NOT KNOW FOR A FEW DAYS IF HE WOULD MAKE IT THROUGH THIS, HE DID. HE IS A MIRACLE FROM GOD AND I THANK HIM FOR HEALING MY PRECIOUS BOY. RJ AND I LIVED AT THE HOSPITAL UNTIL WE BROUGHT AIDEN HOME, BUT I REMEMBER THIS ONE DAY IN THE CAR GOING TO GET DINNER AND RJ OUT OF KNOW WHERE JUST STARTED SINGING, "OUR GOD IS AN AWESOME GOD." I KNEW THEN THIS WAS THE ANSWER TO MY PRAYER AND WE WOULD BE IN CHURCH AS A FAMILY OF FOUR INSTEAD OF A FAMILY OF TWO. ALTHOUGH, THE BOYS CHANGED MY LIFE AND MADE ME A BETTER PERSON I STILL HAD ALL THIS PAIN, HURT,AND ANXIETY IN MY HEART. WE WERE BLESSED WITH OUR THIRD LITTLE MIRACLE FROM GOD ON FEBRUARY 13, 2009 AND BECAME A HAPPY FAMILY OF FIVE! ALTHOUGH I SEEMED LIKE THE HAPPY LITTLE MOMMY ON THE OUTSIDE I STILL HAD ALL THIS CHILDHOOD PAIN, FEAR, AND ANXIETY IN MY HEART. IT WAS NOT UNTIL THESE PAST FEW MONTHS THAT I REALIZED JUST HOW MUCH IT WAS CONTROLLING MY LIFE AND SATAN WAS USING IT TO CONTROL ME AND KEEP ME FROM DOING WHAT GOD HAS PUT ME HERE ON THIS EARTH TO DO. AS MOST OF YOU KNOW GOD ANSWERED THE PRAYER I WOULD LAY IN BED AT NIGHT AND PRAY ABOUT MY FATHER AND JUST GOING TO CHURCH AS A NORMAL FAMILY. MY FATHER BECAME SAVED, WENT TO SOUTHEASTERN BIBLE COLLEGE, AND IS NOW A PREACHER. GOD CALLED HIM AND MOM TO CHELSEA TO START A CHURCH, MOUNTAINVIEW BAPTIST. NOT ONLY DID GOD ANSWER THE PART ABOUT SAVING MY FATHER, BUT WE ARE IN CHURCH AS A FAMILY. DAD IS THE PREACHER, MOM IS PREACHER'S WIFE AND HELPS OUT WHEREVER AND WHENEVER, JEFF DOES THE SOUND SYSTEM AND I DO THE PRESCHOOLERS. I SAY, "DO" BECAUSE I AM NOT TEACHING THEM I AM LEARNING THE BIBLE RIGHT ALONG WITH THEM. JUST BECAUSE I GREW UP IN AND OUT OF CHURCH AND WAS SAVED I DID NOT KNOW THE BIBLE. JUST BECAUSE I DID NOT STUDY MY BIBLE LIKE I SHOULD I HAVE ALWAYS HAD A VERY INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD AND I JUST TALK AND PRAY TO HIM ABOUT EVERYTHING! I BEGAN PRAYING WHEN DAD STARTED THE CHURCH THAT GOD WOULD LEAD ME TO WHERE HE WANTED ME TO BE INVOLVED. I KNEW IT WAS WITH THE KIDS, BUT GUESS WHAT? I HAD ALL THOSE FEARS AND ANXIETY THAT THE DEVIL WOULD USE TO TELL ME THERE IS NO WAY I CAN TEACH LITTLE KIDS THE BIBLE WHEN I DO NOT KNOW IT FOR MYSELF. I ALWAYS PRAYED AND KNEW THAT GOD WAS GOING TO SEE ME THROUGH THIS. I HAVE BEEN LEARNING SO MUCH WORKING WITH THE LITTLE ONES AND IT HAS MADE MY RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD EVEN STRONGER. MOM WORKS WITH THE YOUTH AND THEY ACTUALLY HAD THEIR FIRST YOUTH NIGHT IN THE NEW CHURCH LAST WEEK AND WHEN IT WAS OVER AND I WAS LEAVING MOM TOLD ME THAT SHE WANTED ME TO GIVE MY TESTIMONY. OF COURSE, I LOOKED AT HER LIKE SHE WAS CRAZY BECAUSE SHE KNOWS ME MORE THAN ANYONE AND KNOWS THAT I HAVE ALL THESE ANXIETY ISSUES. I GOT IN MY CAR AND JUST BEGAN TO PRAY I KNEW THAT THERE WAS NO WAY I COULD GIVE MY TESTIMONY TO THESE PRECIOUS YOUTH THAT MAY BE EXPERIENCING SOME OF THE THINGS I WAS STILL DEALING WITH AND KNEW I HAD TO GET MY HEART RIGHT BEFORE I COULD WITNESS TO THEM. THIS PAST WEEKEND WAS OUR WOMEN'S RETREAT AND OF COURSE I HAD ALL THOSE FEARS AND ANXIETY INSIDE OF ME ABOUT GOING,BUT KNEW I NEEDED IT. BOY WAS I HAPPY WHEN I WALKED IN AND SAW THE TABLE SET UP WITH THE THEME FOR THE NIGHT AND IT WAS A TABLE THAT HAD A BIG SIGN THAT ASKED "WHAT'S YOUR BAGGAGE?" IT HAD DIFFERENT LABELS ON PIECES OF BAGGAGE, LIKE, "FEAR", "STRESS", "FINANCES", "ANXIETY", "UN FORGIVENESS", AND A FEW OTHERS. WHEN I SAW THIS I KNEW I WAS GOING TO GET THE HEALING I NEEDED FROM GOD AND HE WAS GOING TO SET ME FREE. I HAD AN AMAZING NIGHT WITH THE GIRLS AND ON SATURDAY WHEN THE INVITATIONS WAS GIVEN TO COME TO THE LORD IF YOU WANTED MORE I WAS JUMPING OUT OF MY SEAT! I WANTED MORE OF GOD AND I WANTED ALL OF THIS CHILDHOOD PAIN, FEAR, AND ANXIETY OUT OF ME SO THAT I CAN DO WHAT GOD HAS CALLED ME TO DO! SO, I GAVE IT ALL TO THE LORD AND I BELIEVE WITH ALL MY HEART HE HAS HEALED MY HEART AND I AM READY TO DO WHATEVER HE WANTS ME TO DO. I HAVE SO MUCH TO GIVE AND SUCH A LOVE A DESIRE FOR KIDS ESPECIALLY HURTING ONES AND I KNOW HE IS GOING TO LEAD ME IN ALL THE RIGHT DIRECTIONS. I CANNOT EXPLAIN THE PEACE I HAVE THAT I HAVE PRAYED FOR FOR MANY YEARS. I KNEW HE WOULD DO IT IN HIS TIMING AND HE HAS! THERE IS NO DOCTOR, PILL, OR ALCOHOL THAT CAN GIVE ME THIS PEACE I HAVE IN MY HEART NOW. GOD IS GOOD AND HE IS REAL! IF YOU DO NOT BELIEVE I PRAY THAT YOU WILL SEARCH YOUR HEART AND SOUL AND ALLOW HIM INTO YOUR LIFE. AT THE END OF THE DAY ON SATURDAY AFTER OUR PRAYER TIME I WON MY LAST DOOR PRIZE AND IT WAS A PICTURE THAT SAID THIS:

......AND

I WILL GIVE YOU REST

COME TO ME, ALL YOU WHO ARE WEARY AND BURDENED, AND I WILL GIVE YOU REST. TAKE MY YOKE UPON YOU AND LEARN FROM ME, FOR I AM GENTLE AND HUMBLE IN HEART, AND YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOU SOULS. FOR MY YOKE IS EASY AND MY BURDEN IS LIGHT.

(MATHEW 11:28-30)

I HAVE BEEN SO HAPPY WITH MY LIFE ON THE OUTSIDE AND NOW I AM HAPPY ON THE INSIDE! GOD IS GOOD AND I THANK HIM FOR SAVING MY SOUL!

THANK YOU FOR ALLOWING ME TO SHARE THIS WITH YOU. I LEARNED WHEN THE BOYS WERE BORN AND LIVING IN NICU THAT I DO GOOD EXPRESSING MY FEELINGS IN WRITING AND THIS IS SOMETHING I WANTED TO SHARE WITH THE WORLD!FORGIVE ME I AM NOT A WRITER AND COULD CAR LESS ABOUT SPELLING AND GRAMMER, IT STRESSES ME OUT TO THINK ABOUT IT, THAT IS WHY I SAID EXPRESSING MY FEELINGS:)! MAY GOD BLESS YOU ALL AND ALWAYS BELIEVE AND KNOW THAT GOD CAN DO ANYTHING!!N SPEAKING OF NICU, PLEASE KEEP MY FRIEND LAURA IN YOUR PRAYERS. SHE JUST HAD HER SWEET TWINS SATURDAY AT ONLY 25 WEEKS. THE BABY GIRL IS 1LB11OZ AND BABY BOY IS 1LB 12. SO PLEASE PRAY THAT GOD WILL HEAL THOSE BABIES AND GIVE HER THE PEACE SHE NEEDS RIGHT NOW.

PS. I KNOW YOU ALL WANT PICTURES OF THE BOYS AND I WILL GET THOSE UP SOON. I PLAN ON STARTING ANOTHER BLOG FOR ME TOO AND WILL SHARE THAT INFORMATION WITH YOU WHEN GET I THAT GOING . I WANTED TO SHARE MY TESTIMONY HERE BECAUSE MY BABIES ARE ALL A HUGE PART OF MY TESTIMONY AND I WOULD NOT BE WHERE I AM TODAY WITH OUT THEM!